I am cooler than you

As a blogger I have several responsibilities in life. One responsibility is to hate the term “blogger.” Another job I have is to fact-check the hell out of stories and happenings in the world today. Yet another thing I have to do is attempt to report on these findings objectively, covering several sides to the stories at hand.

So that is why I can unequivocally state with full facts to support my argument that I am now cooler than you. Way cooler. I’ve gone glacier on your ass and all you can do is sit there in your tropical rain forest all sweaty.

Why am I cooler than you? Simple. I know someone that writes for theonion.com. That’s right. I’m that cool. To protect her real identity, (for all onion writers are actually super heroes), let’s call her Vidalia.

Vidalia has started posting hilarious items on theonion.com and I know her. Not you. Me. So the next time you start that positive thinking kick, just remember, you ain’t as cool as me.

To continue my coolness rant, next time I’ll tell you about a guy I know that peruses Craig’s List during his lunch hour a few times a week.